Trees

We've been talking for a few years about adding some more trees to our yard.  When Knut grew up here, there were many more trees that got destroyed in one fluke storm.  He's always wanted to replace them since he was a little boy.  When about 2 years ago we lost a few of our apple trees to disease, it made the desire to replant that much greater.

This year Knut took one semi-rainy day that kept him out of the fields and he and Elias went tree shopping.  They picked up one new honey crisp apple tree, one new baking apple tree, and a large crab apple tree, as we love to make crab apple cider.  He also picked up a new elm tree for the front yard.  We call it "Ingrid's tree."  I'll explain that later.

It's been so busy here, that we decided to break our no-yard work on Sunday rule and plant all these bare root trees on Sunday.  We were all having so much fun it didn't really feel like work.  Everyone pitched in, and it didn't take long at all.

Some of the kids may have still been in our church clothes.  Since they were already grass stained, I figured we'd just go with it.  For some reason I love seeing my kids with dirt and grass stains.  It makes me feel like we've got this wholesome life going on.  I know that would horrify some mothers, but I'll admit I like a bit of dirt going on.

The boys had to take frequent breaks to climb in our current apple trees.  We only have one small crab apple and one baking apple tree left.  The crab apple tree doesn't produce enough to make cider-making that worthwhile, so I'm glad we'll have another ready to produce in a few years.  David could live in trees, but Elias is still working on it.

Fortunately, he has a brother willing to help him out.

We planted the elm next to the maple in the front yard.  5 months ago, when Ingrid was born at home with our midwife, we had made some plans.  At a hospital birth, there are many decisions that are just made out of routine, and at home you have the responsibility of making all of those decisions, some you maybe never thought about.  One of those, was how do we dispose of the placenta, or the afterbirth?  This organ had been supporting Ingrid for 9 months, and it had to be gotten rid of somehow after she was born.  It's not exactly something you just throw in the trash.

This may surprise you, but some women consume their placenta, as it's said to have many anti-depressive properties to fight PPD.  Some encapsulate it and take placenta pills.  I know many women swear by them.  There are placenta encapsulation companies out there just like cord blood banks.  I had no desire to do that.  It just didn't appeal to me.

Many families plant a tree over their placentas, because "they say" it is about the best tree food there is.  I don't know if that's legend, or fact, but apparently planting a tree over it gives that tree long life and strong roots.  Planting trees and placentas together is a real "thing."

It reminded me how the Israelites were to pile up stones to remember God's miracles.  Every time they passed a pile of stones, they told their children about what God had done.  How quickly we forget!

So we saved Ingrid's placenta, with cord attached and everything, double-bagged in a Ziploc in the freezer.  The midwife labeled it well, thankfully!  We waited until the ground thawed and new trees would thrive.

We've crossed the line to "really weird" for many of you, haven't we?

No, probably not.  As Knut would say, "That ship sailed long ago."  The kids thought we were really weird, so they were playing on the playground as Knut and I reminisced.

I know that some readers may be squeamish about this so I'm not showing pictures, but we thought it was so fun!  As Knut dug, we relived that day, and relived that miracle.  We were in awe over this part of creation and how God is a God of these details.  Every vein had a purpose, every part had a job.  We marveled how he makes placentas work the way they do.  I'm not sure if it was considered part of her or part of me.  We wondered if it was her blood or mine.  It really is quite amazing if you stop and think about it.  We gave praise for His creation by giving Ingrid's placenta to this elm tree.  Whenever we see this tree, I'm sure we will be reminded of her birth, and what a joy she is.  It's her tree.

The "Why" of our Home-birth

I love birth stories.  They're so full of the stuff of life.  They make me cry and laugh and I think that delivering a child into this world is so world-changing, that sharing is sometimes a way to process it.

I've spoken before about how I never know what will be controversial to write, and what will not.  I know going into this one that how we give birth is a hot topic.  Since I chose to have a planned home-birth this time around, and it's not a common choice, Knut and I are fairly certain that most of our friends and family will see that we have fallen off the edge into the world of hippie-dom.  I thought that at some point, I would share a bit about our decision.

Since I am too much in vacation mode to post anything new these days, I thought I'd go ahead and post this pre-written one from before Ingrid was born.  If you'd like to read the story of her birth at home, you can find it here.

I will disclaim that this is written based off of my mommy-brain memory of the research done.  I'm not sitting writing this with all the scientific data in front of me, so you may find mistakes, and I encourage you to do your own research.  I'll try my best not to exaggerate, or leave out important things, but do not use this post as some sort of scientific article on the subject.  This is more the "chat over coffee" version of this information.

In the past few years, as I have gathered with women, mostly in crafty circumstances, I have more than once heard someone's homebirth be brought up.  As I know it's something most unusual in our culture, it's something people will talk about.  I've heard people say about women I know: "but she's an educated woman!  How could she even consider?"  or "They must think the best healthcare in the world isn't good enough for them."  So knowing there may be gossip, and everyone may have a thought on why we decided to go this way this time around.  So if you are actually curious on hearing from us on why we chose a homebirth...read on.

Well, get yourself a snack or something first because it will get long.

Here's what our decision/home-birth is NOT:

1. It is not some sort of anti-hospital statement, or fear of hospitals.  I like doctors.  I like nurses.  I think they save lives.  I have many as friends, and I thank God that we have them.  I think it's pretty common knowledge that we live in a law-suit happy country, though.  This area of most U.S. hospitals is the most sued.  When you think about it, if something goes wrong with someone who is 90 years old, people just say "It was just their time."  If something goes wrong with a newborn, or mother, people are eager to point fingers.  Injuries at birth often lead to the necessity of long term care, and law suits are often the avenue to pay for that long term care.  We cannot fathom it could be someone's time at that stage, and I understand that.

In the 8 years that Knut and I have been parents (with me being in the hospital during all previous 4 births, Elias' NICU stay, and his 2 other lung/RSV related stays, as well as scattered ER trips here and there for various kids), we've come to this conclusion: hospitals are wonderful to be at when you're sick or hurt, and annoying and frustrating to be at when you're well.  It's not that we don't like hospitals, it's that we don't like being there when we're healthy.

I know with many hospitals, but certainly in this part of hospitals, there are very strict procedures on how everything needs to be done.  What bothered Knut and I, after going through 4 hospital births previously, is that many of these procedures are put into place by the hospitals' malpractice insurance, and are based off of what is less likely to get them sued, and not based off of good science.  There's a lot of "routine" procedures, and opting out of any of them is work.  It's human nature.  It's good business.  If we're against anything, it's stupid insurance policies that tie the hands of the OBs...not the OBs themselves.

In this area of the different hospitals I've given birth in, choices are limited.  Showing up is basically giving up any power of decision.  At least that's how it felt.  It was like being put on an assembly line, and being processed through.  That was far more true with the big city hospital we went to with our first 2 kids, as we both felt the smallish country hospital of our last 2 kids was less restrictive.  There were still lots of silly rules, but there wasn't the time pressure as much with the second hospital.  For a very long time, this lack of choices felt very normal to us.

2.  It is not a reckless choice.  I know that as Americans, we love to feel like our hospitals are the best.  We are aware that people come from all over the world to be treated for things that cannot be treated elsewhere.  We have some of the smartest doctors in the world in our country, and I would wholeheartedly agree with that.  However, when looking specifically in the department of maternity care, the United States sits #47 among the developed countries.  That means 46 other countries in the world lose less mommies and babies than we do.  We also have the second highest c-section rate...so all those c-sections aren't saving a lot of babies and mommies.  Actually that "complication" is causing many deaths.

One has to ask "why?"  Why is maternity death rate, and infant mortality rate one of the highest among developed countries?  I looked into this research a bit more because I figured that the W.H.O. (World Health Organization) that put this statistic out must be overlooking something, like we attempt to save more pre-term babies than other countries, or something like that.  However, that's not what I found.  What I found is the data got worse.  According to an article I read by Ina May Gaskin, while the other countries reported all their stats on the issue of maternal and infant mortality, the United States doesn't have a universal way to collect that data, as only 37 states require this information on death certificates.  That means we were #47 on the list with only 37 states reporting.  That's not even all of our deaths reported, against the full data in other countries.  Only Brazil was below us in the "developed countries" category, and that's probably because 90% of their births are done by c-section.  I've heard it said that the only way to deliver a baby naturally in Brazil is to get stuck in traffic.

So the curious brain of mine wanted to know what countries who were very high on the list of excellent maternal care like the Netherlands, Japan, and Great Britain were doing.  What made their maternal/infant death rates so low?  It turns out that all the countries on the top of this list had very high rates of home-births attended by qualified midwives.  As in 30-60% of the births as compared to the 1% in the United States.  Also, midwives attend way more hospital births in those countries.

You see, in those countries, healthy women with low-risk pregnancies are encouraged to give birth at home with midwives, and un-healthy or high risk women are encouraged to go to hospitals.  Sick women or complicated pregnancies with several red flags go to hospitals.  Healthy women get midwives and little intervention.  Midwives are there as a safety net for pregnancies that are completely normal, and are qualified to handle all but 2 things: medicinal pain relief and c-sections.  Pretty much everything else they're trained to handle.  Many people are questioning all of the "routine" procedures done on healthy women that actually make things unintentionally worse.

Now, there are several studies done on home-birth vs. hospital births and outcomes.  I found when looking at the research it's important you check to see how they define "home birth".  If the study included ALL home-births vs. ALL hospital births (in other words, it included home-births that were unintentionally at home, without a midwife, or in the car on the way to the hospital, etc, etc.) than hospital births were safer.  If the study compared qualified home-births (low-risk pregnancy attended by midwife) vs. low risk women in hospital births, there was no question it is safer to give birth at home.  I should point out, that the edge in either version on the study was a thousandth of a percent difference, or something like that.

Basically the conclusion I got from international sources is that pregnancies objectively qualifying as "low risk" had better outcomes with a midwife, and pregnancies objectively qualifying as "high risk" had better outcomes with a doctor.  There is no across-the-board right place or attendant for birth.

So while I know there are many stories that can be told of: "My baby could have died if I had not been in a hospital" I do not wish to argue with that.  Hospital births are necessary, and we should be grateful we have that option when things go wrong.  I do not wish to say that ALL woman should give birth at home, because that's just not good science.  I most certainly do not wish to say that my home is the best home to give birth in, because I don't want you all coming over here to have your babies.  ;)

I think what is important is that as women, we educate ourselves about our body, and take control of decisions being made about our body.  We should ask good questions from smart people, and make decisions, and not leave the decision making to someone else.  After all, when all is said and done, we're the ones who have to live with the body that remains, and live with the decisions that were made.

I love this quote from G.K. Chesterton (a friend and contemporary of C.S. Lewis): "Without education, we are in horrible and deadly danger of taking educated people seriously."

3. It's not some sort of feminist masochism:  I didn't choose this because I wanted the rush, or because I just love pain so much.  I don't feel I'm superwoman, or have something to prove.  Maybe there's a bit of my control-freakness coming out, but I hope that involving Knut in this decision would even balance me out a bit.

Also, it's not because I want to fully live the "Prairie Life" out here on the farm.  Actually, I think that those living in a city would have quite a few more midwives to choose from than I did.

When I was pregnant with our first child, my birth plan read like this:
"Drug me in the parking lot, please."

I had a lot of fear, and a lot of unknowns.  Everything ever presented to me about birth was mostly done by Hollywood, and we know how accurate they are in presenting facts.  For them it's about entertainment.  The birthing class we took at the hospital back in the city told us more about how to be a good patient than how to have a healthy birth.

I shouldn't have relied on an entertainment source for my information.  Most moms are like me and do more research on which phone or car to buy than how and with whom should I give birth.  In my mind, what I did for my first birth was the equivalent to walking into just one dealership, and buying whatever the salesman told me I needed.

My first epidural went as everyone promised.  It worked great.  With my second birth, it came too late and I had to deal with the natural pain, without any mental preparation for it.  That was horrific.  It deserves to be written again: horrific.  I was not at all mentally prepared or equipped to deal with that sort of pain.  With my third birth, I tried to mentally prepare for the normal pain, and manged much better, but out of fear it getting worse, opted for another epidural, which I got to enjoy for no more than 10 minutes because labor was going so fast.  I regretted getting it because I get such terrible headaches that last for days from epidurals, and it wasn't worth it for 10 minutes of pain relief.

With my 4th birth I wanted to avoid the epidural.  The 2 previous births it was not worth it, and I still had to deal with the side effects like not being able to move awhile after birth and the severe headaches.  So I mentally prepared for the pain, and practiced many pain management techniques, and things went so, so well!  We almost chose a home-birth last time.  Knut was all for it.  I was the one who backed out thinking, "We're just not home-birth people."  I knew if it was the status quo, I'd pick it without a second thought, but I wasn't sure I felt strong enough to go against the grain and face any judgment or defend my choice against people who thought we were being very, very stupid.  I just didn't want to turn this amazing experience of birth into a debate. 

Ironically, our families did not fight us, as we anticipated them doing.  In fact, we heard lots of positive feedback from many people.  Not too surprisingly, most people who supported our decision the most were people who have spent significant amounts of time outside the U.S.  I found that interesting.  Perhaps they were just more comfortable with ideas outside our normal culture.  I don't know.

I remember, though, as I was laboring at home before we went to the hospital, that Knut and I were both joking "Is it too late to see if a midwife can deliver this one?"  We didn't want to go to the hospital.  Hospitals are GREAT and giving you drugs for pain.  However, if you know that drugs are not for you, they don't allow many common pain managing techniques.

For one example, every hospital I've given birth in has required you give birth on your back, with your legs in the air.  Well, actually all of them said we'd have the choice of how to position me for birth, but when it came down to it, they moved me against my will however they liked.  Maybe they didn't know it was against my will because they never read my birth plan, and I was in too much pain to talk, and when Knut advocated for me, they treated him like a controlling husband and told him to step back.

Now, there's a few reasons they like you on your back.  First, most women are drugged and numb and this is the only position they can physically do.  When I say most, think 90% of women need to be on their backs because of the epidural.  Second, the doctor can get a good view of things going on while he's sitting comfortably.  They deliver sometimes several babies a day, and they don't want to be crawling around on the floor getting a good view.  Back deliveries are the status quo.

However, this is the MOST difficult position to give birth in for most women. You can't argue with the science on that.  First off, it physically makes your pelvic opening smaller. Babies are most likely to get stuck in this position.  Interventions like vacuum and forceps are more likely in this position.  You're more likely to tear in this position.  Gravity is not on your side.

Since most women in the U.S. are drugged and can't be in any other position, that is the position that is chosen for you, regardless of what you would like to do. It's protocol.  It can cause several complications that the hospital than "saves" the woman from, and we all say "Good thing she was at the hospital!"  This is just one example.

Now, I know that some hospitals our there are bringing in midwives who are the experts in "alternative" birthing methods to the typical medicated birth that doctors are experts in.  Some allow water births, birthing chairs, squatting and birthing any way you want.  I have not had that experience, and currently don't have that option.  I think it's a good trend, though!

So here I am, knowing I typically give birth too quickly for drugs.  So I'm looking to reduce the pain in other ways.  I'm trying to avoid pain and still be safe like every other mother in the world.  So I go through all the relaxation techniques.  I learn about using water, birthing balls and hot and cold compresses.  I decide to go to an expert on natural pain relief instead of going to a hospital where they are experts in medicated pain relief.  I pick a midwife who has been delivering babies for about 30 years, and transfers about 10% of births to a hospital, and always before the emergency.  She said that there are 2 main reasons that she orders a hospital transfer during labor: mom has been laboring for many hours and just wants to go (which she said is more common among first time moms), the second reason is questionable fetal heart tones.  If the baby's heart rate is not behaving normally, and cannot be improved with basic position changes, she'll order a transfer to get it checked out more thoroughly.

Now, my midwife does not have hospital privileges, so if I were transferred, I would be under a doctor's care, and back in hospital protocol.  However, she offers to stick around to be the doula and advocate at the hospital birth at that point.  Of all her births, 3% of them have ended up in c-sections at the hospital.  She's not anti-c-section, but her rate is much lower than that of a hospital where surgeons are put in charge of birth.

Also, a common question is in regard to being cared for after birth.  I mean, who wants to clean up their own birth and go fix themselves some food?  My midwife and her assistants run all of that.  They do home visits weeks leading up to the birth to see where you keep stuff, how you like things done.  My job is to drink in and cuddle my baby.  My midwife's job is to make sure we're doing well.  Her assistants' jobs are to be an extra set of hands in an emergency, and clean everything up, throw a load of laundry in the washer, do some dishes and bring up some food.  Her assistants are both trained "doulas" (which is another post I'll probably never write.  Just go google what it is.) with extra training in emergency situations so that they can be midwife assistants as well.  They'll run errands, prepare food, help out with older kids (though we chose not to have our kids at the birth) and pretty much be willing to be a help in any way they can.  Just like at a hospital, my job is to rest...except I get to rest in my own bed and no one flashes the lights on at 7am during a nurse shift change and announces cheerfully "time to take your temperature!"  I cannot even begin to tell you how much MORE rest I got at home compared to a hospital.  Part of that was just some amazing support here at home.

4. It's not lacking in modern science.  In fact, we found our midwife to be more current not only in studies done in the United States, but studies done around the world.  She doesn't stop with papers put out by the American College of Gynecology and Obstetrics, she could tell you what OBs in Australia, Japan, and England do.  Our midwife is not like a Little House on the Prairie neighbor lady next door midwife.  It's not like the stories of past of "O, my great-grandma was a midwife for someone once."  She brings oxygen, pitocin, sutures, and many other medicinal things, as well as several natural ones.  She brings 1-2 trained assistants to the birth to be an extra set of hands.  She discusses with me and orders up labs during the pregnancy to see if any red flags are coming up.  She educates me during our hour long prenatal appointments on how we can avoid various complications with preventative measures.

When looking into midwives, you hear the term "evidenced-based care" vs. "routine care" of hospitals quite a lot.  I've found that most midwives are very reluctant to use any intervention that hasn't been thoroughly proven as beneficial.  Hospitals are more willing to allow procedures (mostly that the mother wants and asks for) with some risk because they have the back up of a c-section if that risk becomes a reality.  And history has showed them that you can't get sued if you gave them a c-section.  A c-section in the courts means you did everything in your power to save the mother/baby.  Hospitals are rarely sued for unnecessary c-sections.

After this pregnancy, if someone were to ask me where I learned the most about managing a healthy pregnancy, I'd say I learned 10% of what I know from my 1st 4 pregnancies, and 90% in this last pregnancy.  I just got so much information and guidance that was fitted to my body, and my unique needs.

I bet I heard Knut say 7 different times throughout the pregnancy: "You're handling this pregnancy so much better than I've ever seen you handle pregnancy before!"  This was my first pregnancy where I had no anemia, no GBS, my heartburn was cut down to about 1/4 of what it was in other pregnancies, and no signs at all of preterm labor.  To me, that was the difference of midwife-lead care.  My midwife had so many solutions I had never even thought of.  She would listen to every complaint of mine, and come up with some herb, some diet change, some exercise, some stretch, and problems started diminishing.

Even though we're not in a hospital, she works with the NACPM model of care:

"The Midwives Model of Care™ is based on the fact that pregnancy and birth are normal life events and includes:

• monitoring the physical, psychological and social well-being of the mother throughout the childbearing cycle;
• providing the mother with individualized education, counseling and prenatal care,
• continuous hands-on assistance during labor and delivery and postpartum support;
• minimizing technological interventions; and
• identifying and referring women who require obstetrical attention.

The application of this model has been proven to reduce the incidence of birth injury, trauma and cesarean section."

I also like this quote from her: "I believe in trusting the birth process, woman-led birth practices, supporting the mother-baby unit, and using technology judiciously."

What I also love about her is how much she left Knut and I in control of our family.  It was such a new approach for us!  For instance, before the birth, she went over all of the newborn procedures for us to research first.  Let's just pull one example out, and that was the vitamin K shot.  At the hospital, they just do it.  In fact, with several newborn procedures in some hospitals, if parents question what is being done to their child, social services are called.  It's a new trend in maternity care I've been hearing a lot about.

Our midwife gave us research supporting the vitamin K shot, research supporting oral dosages of vitamin K, and research supporting not giving the shot at all, as different schools of medicine have different opinions on this procedure.  Only after we had read the research was she willing to give her opinion on it when we asked.  She believes it's our decision, and she brings both injections and oral options to the birth. There was so much respect offered and exchanged in this relationship.  She gave the ownership and responsibility of the birth to us, and it wasn't just showing up and being put through a system.  For us, it was an amazing experience throughout the whole pregnancy.

There is no personal responsibility in the hospital.  Law suits and insurance companies have told them so, so you can't really blame them.  Our legal system has told them that they hold all the responsibilities therefore they hold all the decisions.  I still remember my mom telling me the story of when she had first child and asked her doctor what she should expect for labor.  He just smiled and said, "You just let me worry about that.  You just have to show up."  That is not okay, and no woman should be reassured by that.  I know she wasn't.  That idea is still around, though among women.  It's the idea that doctors know how we should give birth, and we should just be quiet and do what we are told. I'm not trying to advocate one way of giving birth or another, but I am advocating that we as women do our own research, follow our guts, and do what we think is best for us and our children.

Legally they have to ask you permission to do a procedure to your child, but you're not exactly allowed to refuse care either, at least that was our impression.  We were told at 2 different births that if we refused care that the doctor wanted to do, and sign a waiver, our insurance company could refuse to pay for the whole birth.  Whether or not that is true, we never found out.

(For those wondering, we have chosen the oral vitamin K, an option not available in most US hospitals.  I assume the reasoning is parents are really bad at coming back for multiple treatments as this option requires.  It requires a few strong doses over the course of a few weeks, instead of one massive dose given as an injection, but our midwife was willing to come to us to give the dose so it wasn't any greater inconvenience to us.)

If someone wants to look into birth more or find out how midwives differ from obstetricians, I highly recommend the documentary "Business of Being Born" although, like all documentaries, you'll have to sift a bit through the facts.  You can find in on Netflix and pretty much everywhere else.  I thought it was inspiring, and removed a lot of fear about birth, not instilled it.  So if you're pregnant, this isn't a "scary" movie.  It's a "I can do this!" sort of movie.  It was so empowering and eye opening.

It also talks a bit about how midwives and OBs work together in other countries, much to the benefit of women and babies, but in our country they're in an economic battle between OBs and midwives and they rarely work together as the "same birth for all" approach gets pushed through the courts.  (As well as the fact that births attended by midwives earn hospitals roughly 1/3 the income of OB attended births as midwives charge less and use less interventions, and women usually recover faster, and many hospitals are not so eager to lose that income.)

The only reason I set you a bit on guard for the movie is that some of the scientists make some claims in the last 1/4 of the movie that are based off of evolutionary suspicions, and draw conclusions about drugs during birth's effect on how much a mother loves her child.  I did not like those thoughts, and personally thought they were untrue for me personally as a mother who has given birth with drugs and without drugs, and thought it was insulting to those adoptive mothers out there too.  Sure, bonding sometimes takes longer with more drugs or longer recoveries, and I assume through adoptive procedures as well, but bonding does happen, and it's powerful.  We are not chimps.  That was my only beef with the movie and it was really lightly stated near the end.  I have a beef with most documentaries on some small point.

I also thought a good read on the subject was Baby Catcher: Chronicles of a Modern Midwife which are the memoirs of a labor and delivery nurse who ended up becoming a midwife that worked both in and out of hospitals.  It has an entertaining and educational look into both worlds, and her personal battle with insurance companies.  My only warnings with this book is that she highlights several births that were memorable, but not necessarily "normal."  They're certainly entertaining, though!  Also, her client list is extremely varied from the extreme communal hippies to business-like lawyers to conservative Muslim women.  So know that going into reading it.  I found it fascinating.

Again, I want to point out: I just had a baby, so keep that in mind when commenting.  I didn't post this in order to start a debate or a conversation.  I'm not going to spend a bunch of time monitoring the comment section, and if I do find a big debate going on in there with this hot topic, I may decide to just shut the comments down for this post.  The biggest fear I had about a home birth was not any danger factor, but having to defend myself against the judgment of others.  I'm not sure what that says about me, but there you have it.  I don't care if you give birth in a hospital or birthing center or at home.  I have simply witnessed gossip about this topic with other women, and want to get some information out there.

My only wish is that mothers are given good information and good choices, and then they can decide what is best for them.  I know our choice is not the norm in our area, and I post this for the purpose of heading up any speculation or worry those who care about me may have.  We loved our home birth, and although we have not made any big, definite decision about whether or not we'll have any more children, I can tell you we'd only go back to the hospital kicking and screaming.  The transition to having one more child in this house has been so smooth and restful in so many ways.

And now, I will slowly and shyly step down from the soap box.

Birth Story

Well it all happened so fast, that I'm not sure how long this post will be!  I'm getting this done while it's fresh in my mind, and I only have one child in my care, and I share that with Knut.  I feel like I have time on my hands today.  So restful.

As I wrote, the midwife spent the whole afternoon at our house the day before.  She checked me before she left, and I was still barely dilated.  I was tired that evening, though, so I went to bed much earlier than I normally do.

Around 4am, a hard contraction woke me up.  I noted the time, and went back to sleep.  The next one came about 20 minutes later, and I was having trouble breathing through it.  I often count during a contraction, to see how long, and to give my brain something to do, or focus on while it's going on.  Both of these were over a minute, and both of them gave me the thought, "Now THAT'S the real thing."

I knew right away this was "real labor" so I was trying to focus on resting in between them, as they were still about 20 minutes apart.  Well, the next one came 15 minutes later, and I decided to hop in the tub to see if I could slow them back down so I could go back to sleep.  While sitting there for 30 minutes, I had only one really hard contraction, and I thought I was too tired to sit and wait that long for the next one.  So I just went back to bed.

My breathing during these contractions started waking up Knut who was sleeping a bit on edge.  When he got up that morning, he asked me about it, and I told him I was getting some really strong ones.  He went to feed the kids breakfast.

When the contractions moved to every 10 minutes, I got up to see if a change in position or movement would have an impact on them.  I went downstairs, and was planning on just vegging and timing them. However, the next contraction I got when I sat down on the couch was so intense, that I went over to Knut who was talking on the phone and said "I'm calling B now.  I'm telling her to get over here.  That last one was crazy."

So Knut got into high gear in getting the kids ready to go to his parents.  I was sending some of them upstairs as he made some phone calls, and while Knut finished gathering all their things, I hopped in the shower since I was feeling a bit gross.

The shower felt great, but the contractions were insanely intense.  I just remember thinking "was it really this hard the other times?"  It was like I was having transition level contractions, every 10 minutes, first thing in the morning.  I wasn't sure what to make of it.

B said she was coming right over.  Knut's dad was picking up the kids as I got out of the shower and started looking for a place to be comfortable, which wasn't really possible.  I tried sitting on the exercise ball I had gotten, since using that in previous births was so helpful.  I started rocking on it, and got another intense contraction, and decided I hated the ball.

I had felt better in the shower, so I thought water might be the key.  I went upstairs and got in the tub.  I told Knut I would need his help through the contractions and to get up as soon as he could.  He was busy getting some corn in our corn stove, to make sure the heat was good as the midwife came over.  When he got upstairs, he mentioned that he had just 2 phone calls to make.  I told him they could wait.  He could tell I meant business, and helped me through the next 2 contractions, even though there were still 5-8 minutes between them.

I told him I was starting to feel pressure, which was confusing to me since the contractions were still so far apart, and had only started a few hours earlier.  He quickly got to a window to see if the midwife was driving in.  She wasn't, and we both commented that she should be there any second.  I told Knut that these contractions were crazy, and there's no way I could do them all day.  This baby better be here by noon or before, because I just wasn't handling it.  Each one made me feel out of control, and I couldn't do it all day.  I just couldn't.  They were still over 5 minutes apart, and I was thinking how far I probably had to go, and was already feeling defeated.  I should have known that these were "baby is almost here" thoughts.

She got there, and peeked her head in the bathroom to say a quick "hi" and then started setting up some of her sterile supplies.  A minute later, I got another contraction that really freaked me out because the bag of waters buldged out of me and I new that meant the baby's head was coming next.  I felt down and felt the buldging bag and the words that went through my mind at that point aren't really fit for this blog.

So I did what any rational person would do and started screaming "The baby's coming!  The baby's coming!"  B was by my side in an instant, and since her assistants weren't there yet, she was telling Knut what to do.

I wasn't planning on giving birth in the tub, but that's where I was, and I wasn't about to move.  Our tub isn't deep, and I started to stand so that someone else could catch the baby.  I had always wanted to lean forward in all of my past deliveries, and was always told to lay back which always hurt.  Well, I leaned forward putting my weight on B who was kneeling or squatting or something.  I don't remember.  She told Knut to help her catch the baby since she would be slippery.  The next contraction, Ingrid's head came out, in the caul, which had never happened to me before.  One more contraction and more of her came out, and the bag of waters tore.

I was not doing well at this point.  I was totally freaked out and it was all happening so fast, and I was very noisy.  B told me calmly that one more contraction, and she would be all out.  She was right.  One more small contraction, and Knut and B were handing me my daughter.  I sat down slowly in the tub, and just held her and stroked her as she started to breathe.  The cord wasn't cut, we gently rubbed her back a bit, and without screaming, she just started breathing and looking around a bit at her new world. It was so amazing.  Everything got quiet.

I kept holding her as the afterbirth was delivered just a few minutes later.  At that point, the midwife gave the cord a "long cut" so we could transport baby and me over to the bedroom.  I waited holding my baby as the bed got set up with pads and pillows, and then Knut got to hold the baby as B helped clean me up and get me over to the bedroom.

After B did some vitals checks on Ingrid, I tried nursing Ingrid at that point, and she latched on perfectly right away.  Nursing your 5th is so much easier than your 1st!  That's when the cramping started, so I asked for someone to get me some Advil.

Around that time, one of B's assistants arrived, and they went to work cleaning up the bathroom.  Knut and Ingrid and I snuggled on the bed and we inspected her long fingers and cute toes.  When everything was cleaned up, B and her assistant came in and asked if they could do the newborn check up now that we were all settled.  So she got weighed, and her cord got cut much shorter so that it wouldn't snag so easily.  I guess I had never watched my other newborns get their check, or I wasn't sure what all was being inspected, but B explained everything she was doing in great detail, and why she was checking each part of her.  It was really interesting.

After that it was my check up, and we were all glad to see that I had very, very minimal bleeding (which was a worry after my last birth) and no tearing at all.  Everything was looking good, so then she got to work getting me some food, and a cup of hot tea.  It was really good herbal tea that melted pretty much every muscle in my body to putty.

(Left: B weighing Ingrid in her little blanket scale)

After the checks, the assistant went home, and B stuck around for a little while longer and talked over some need to know care things.  She basically said she was on call for us for the next week, day or night.  Just call her and she'd be right over.  We made plans for her to check on me the next day.  Then she went home.

The rest of the day was so...quiet.  We made phone calls, and took some pictures.  Knut made  a special supper I had in the freezer for after the baby was born.  It was some sort of Greek steak and spinach meat roll that I got at the butcher's to celebrate the baby's birth.  So he threw that in the oven with some potatoes, and heated up some green beans.  You should of seen how excited he was to be having this yummy supper with just us in our bedroom.  He brought up supper to the bed on china plates with linen napkins, and served milk in wine glasses.  It was high class, I tell you!  Knut and I each got a nap, and all the snuggles with Ingrid she could take...which was a lot.

Knut's parents brought the kids over to meet their new little sister in the evening, and then went back to spend the night at Grandma's, which they were really excited about.  Solveig promptly went over to Ingrid, and said "Baby!  Hold!  Hold!"  So she climbed in my lap, and I helped her "hold" the baby.  It was a mistake, though, because then her 2 year old self put her hand up and shouted "No!  My Baby!" every time anyone else went near Ingrid.  Solveig has claimed her as her own, and didn't like any of her other siblings hold her.  Poor Silje had to wait until we could pry Ingrid out of Solveig's hands, which took awhile.

The boys found the exercise ball we had blown up for the labor, and thought bouncing it up and down the hallway was way more fun than their new sister.

Finally getting her turn: my oldest and my youngest together.  Unfortunately Ingrid started to fuss at this point, so she didn't get to hold her long.  I think Silje still wants to get a chance to hold her longer, and we assured her that she'll have plenty of time to do that!

When talking tp family on the phone, people seem curious as to how we liked the birth at home.  Well, if you're talking to Knut, he'll tell you how amazing it was.  He was thrilled with it being at home, and was so calm and excited about his role in the birth.  However, most people don't trust the dad's opinion.  After all, he didn't give birth.

As for me, I would agree that giving birth at home was a really good choice for us.  We did a lot of research, we knew what we wanted and what we didn't want.  I have a whole post of the "why" behind our home birth written out, (the long version) and you can find that here.

I hesitate, though, in saying the birth was wonderful because it was so intense.  It wasn't some quiet bliss of an occasion, but then again, neither were my hospital births.  Birth in general isn't some pleasant easy thing for me.  I liked this more, though because I had more things to keep my mind occupied at home instead of just sitting there, waiting for another wave to come.  Due to my fast labors, I haven't had the option of an epidural or other pain relief for the last couple births.  In my opinion, hospitals specialize in medicated births, and midwives specialize in unmedicated births.  Since we knew our only option was unmedicated, we decided to go this route.

However, the recovery was so peaceful.   The care and respect we were shown in our own home, and the privacy and peace of it all was so so good.  I just love sitting in my own bed, snuggling with my husband and baby.  I like eating our own food, and just going with the flow.  I liked having our kids "visit" the new baby in a place where I wasn't worried about them pressing buttons they shouldn't or running screaming up and down the hallway.  Well, they did run up and down the hallway while they visited here, but it was in their house, and I knew they weren't bothering anyone.

I loved working with the midwife model of care.  We literally spent hours with our midwife, discussing options and getting some amazing preventative education.  I can't believe that with this 6th pregnancy (counting my miscarriage), I learned about 90% of my current knowledge on managing a healthy pregnancy.  Her information was invaluable.  Our wishes were respected to a "T" as she knew them by heart, and had helped us make a lot of educated decisions on the way.  She was so well equipped for so many different scenarios should they arise, but fortunately, none of them did and we had pretty much no medical intervention.  We had a back up plan for a hospital transfer should we have needed one, but we didn't.  While doctors are able to do a great many things for women's care, most midwives specialize in just birth, and they're darn good at it!

There were never any need for needles, and all our prenatal work of preventing any bleeding problems this time seemed to pay off.  Minimal bleeding, no tearing, no cutting, no stitching.  Although she didn't stay for many hours after the birth, she did leave us with detailed instructions as to my post-pardum care, and I must say, more "strict" than any hospital I've been to, but in a lovely, resting way.  She suggests more rest, more checking, and certain foods and teas and herbs.  I feel so cared for.  The whole thing was so natural and beautiful, while still intense and painful.  All the stuff of life in a day like that.  All in all, it was amazing.

Round 1

I'll interrupt my normal homeschooling post to chat a bit about yesterday.  I thought we'd meet our new little girl yesterday, but it wasn't to be.

I had another bad night.  Well, a worse night than the other bad night.  I woke up at 2am with "uterine irritability" which I've had lots in other pregnancies.  I haven't had big problem with dehydration this time around, which as been good.  Well, until last night.  We were watching Downton Abby before bed, and Knut had the Wheat Thins out, and I just started eating them without thinking that whenever I have lots of salty things in the 3rd trimester, I tend to pay for it a few hours later.  I did.

I was up from 2-5am that night, which was miserable.  I wasn't having contractions.  Those feel like waves of an intense workout.  Uterine irritability is a constant pain that feels like your uterus is being ripped out.  Since I've had it before, I recognized it right away, and cursed myself for eating all that salt.  I called my midwife, and she helped me over the phone get everything to settle down.  I was having a hard time getting the water to stay down, but after some bites of oatmeal and sips of pregnancy tea, the water stayed put, and I was able to go back to sleep without any pain.

Knut was able to call in at work, and let me sleep in pretty late yesterday morning.  I called B, the midwife, when I eventually woke up to let her know everything was good.  A few hours later, though, I was getting contractions pretty hard.  They were varying from every 10 minutes to every 3.  They were all over a minute long.  They were hard.

So I called her to see if it was too early to call as I was on the fence on whether or not it was real labor, and she thought she'd come out to our place, just to be on the safe side.  I don't think I've explicitly said before on the blog that we're planning a homebirth.  I think that's mostly for another post.  It will likely be a long, drawn out boring/rambling post that you readers must be very used to by now.  Or I'll just ignore giving any explanation as to why we chose this route since its no one's business anyway, and just let you know when we have a baby.  (I'm getting snarky near the end of this pregnancy, aren't I?)

Anyway, she came out on the early side of my laboring, just because I have a history of fast births, and we just wanted her on standby.

I wasn't going to call anyone else yet, and she didn't call out her assistants until we were sure that I wasn't going to stall.  Knut dropped the kids off at his aunt's house, and so all afternoon, it was just Knut, B, and me at home.  It was really quiet.

B checked on the baby's heart rate.  She did some vitals on me, and checked me out.  Then she told me to just go about my business and let her know if I needed anything.  She said she had all the time in the world, and if it wasn't time, it made no difference to her.  So she read her magazine, and helped me a bit with the laundry I was working on.  Really, there wasn't much for me to do, but it felt really good to move and sway, and the contractions were coming steady, but not overwhelming.

Knut hung out with us for awhile, but also took out the trash and tended to the chickens for me.  He also cleaned the whole kitchen from top to bottom, which was nice.

It was a very quiet day.  For awhile, things were really picking up, and I told Knut and B that it was starting to get really intense, and I thought I may soak in the tub for a bit to ease the intensity.  B was getting ready to call her assistants to come since I was obviously getting some seriously intense ones.  I changed my mind, though, when I got to the top of the stairs, and opted to wrap Christmas presents instead.  Laboring at home is funny like that.

Then things started to slow down to every 10 minutes.  Then every 15 minutes.  Then they sped up to every 4 minutes, but only lasting about 45 seconds or so.  That lasted for an hour.  I was getting frustrated.  Knut and B were very encouraging.  B kept checking baby's heartbeat every hour, and making sure I was staying hydrated.

By supper time, I realized for sure that things were stopping.  It wasn't going to be baby day.  I asked B if she would like to check me one more time, and then stay for supper.  She agreed to both.  I had not dilated any more all day.  Confirmation that nothing happened.  Then we had lasagna.  Then Knut went to pick up the kids who were now at his parent's house.  While Knut got the kids, B insisted on doing the dishes so I could just sit and rest, and reflect on the day, and not let the emotions of disappointment overwhelm me.

As she left, she told me that I still shouldn't hesitate to call her day or night.  She's never had a baby not come.  Plus, she had fun hanging out, and wouldn't mind doing it a few more times with no baby at the end, though for my sake, she hoped it would be soon.

That's the end of this story.  I feel like I got the day off yesterday as my house got clean around me, and my kids were well cared for elsewhere.  It was an exhausting day, still.  Emotionally, physically...etc.  It's just not time yet.

Well, we know our baby won't stay in there forever.  I still have a week and a half to my due date.  I will say, it's much easier to send the midwife home, then to be sent home from the hospital.

At least my house is clean...and most of the Christmas present wrapping got done.  Everything but the gifts that haven't arrived/been purchased yet.  Also, the baby has currently completed turning around and is no longer posterior.  (That means she was set to come out facing the wrong direction a few weeks ago, and is now facing the right direction, which will mean an easier birth.)  Now if she'll just stay that way.

I'll just try to hold onto that for awhile and try not to dwell on the number of people I inconvenienced yesterday.  I think that the most challenging part of these last few days/weeks is the mental aspect of accepting help, asking for help, and being so helpless to any of it.  We'll make it, though.  We always do.

Teacher Notes

Ugh, I've been dreading writing today's post.  I so don't want to tell you how homeschooling has been.  Upon much reflection on this in the last few weeks, and lots of prayer, I've realized our homeschool is just fine.  My kids are still fine.  I'm just not wanting to tell you how I've been.

I've been so hormonal.

I've been so moody.

I've been so irritable.

I've been so guilty about the above 3 items.

Running through my mind the last 2 weeks or so is the same thought: my kids don't deserve to deal with me.  Certainly, there must be someone better suited to teach them.  God surely made a mistake when he called me to this.  I must have misheard.  I'm screwing them up.  There's about 1,000 + things I should be doing better.  I need more patience for this job.  I need to be a better person.  If they were going to school somewhere else, they wouldn't have to deal with my raging pregnancy hormones right now.  They would be in a fun place.  At least, more fun than I am right now.

Mentally, it's been a battle.  Right on time, like clockwork, when I feel like I'm near bottom, my monthly homeschool mom support group met.  I love those women so much.

I felt like I walked in there so empty.  Empty of ideas, empty of hope.  Frustrated.  Guilt-laden.   Holding onto this whole homeschooling thing because the one thing I don't doubt is that God called Knut and I to this.  But surely, God must know what a failure I am. 

I left there so encouraged, so refreshed, and with a bucketful of ideas and tools and resources for hitting the next month.  I'm not the first homeschooling mom, (or the first teacher for that matter) who's had a tough time dealing with kids through the uncontrolled emotions.  Given the more than usual large families in the homeschooling community, it's certainly not unusual to deal with it. 

I'm reminded once again why the Bible stresses real fellowship.  We as a body need each other so desperately.  We are not meant to do this all alone.  It may feel like we're alone in our troubles, but that's a blatant deception, and we moms especially need to see that.  I think of Elijah, who felt he was the only one left.  I think of the multiple ways Satan isolates us to make us feel like no one would understand, people will rush to judge, and it will only lead to more loneliness.  There's so much power in fellowship, and in our independent society, it's so important that we see ourselves spiritually as a body of believers, not just an individual.  That's a whole other study I'd like to do sometime.

On a practical note, (really changing my tone here), David's glasses have been great.  He really loves using them, and as he explains it, "They really help my brain relax, so when I see the math problem, it just makes sense.  I don't have to concentrate as hard."  I've tried picking apart that statement of his to try to understand him better.  He's aching for more work to do, and I'm determined to assign him more.  He's not expressly asking for it, but he complains a lot of being bored, and when I suggest schoolwork, he doesn't fight me much at all.  We still really need to work on his attention span, though.

He's crusing along in Chinese, much faster than Silje did, although if he gets stuck, he always asks Silje who helps him out, and Silje didn't have that helper.  He still likes to figure out how things work, why they work the way they do, how things are built, why they aren't built another way, etc. etc.  His questions sometimes drive me bonkers.  Legos are my friend. 

He's been eager to be a help, and be "the man of the house" when Daddy is at work.  It's not all roses, but really, I see him stepping up to the plate maturity-wise.

Silje has been my quiet help.  She's been practicing the piano a lot in her free time, and she's getting to the level where I really enjoy listening to her play.  We just got her Christmas songs music book in the mail and she has wasted no time pulling it out and starting to work through it.  She spends a lot of time reading still.  She still wants to be a vet, and has started doing "check ups" on Lena and the chickens.  She reads books on animal anatomy and care, and tries to locate all the parts to each of the animals, and make sure they look right.  I like when she's with the animals in the yard because she's been able to save some of the chickens from the roosters' brutality by chasing them off every now and then.

Don't get me started on the roosters.  If it's not done this weekend, I may butcher them myself.  They're such bullies out in the yard these days.  It's painful to watch.  I need to clear out space in my freezer.  Add it to the list.

I digress...

Silje has been very careful around me these days.  She is old enough to see I'm on edge, and she's trying hard to make my life easier.  You have no idea how guilty this makes me feel.  I know it's a good trait for her to have, and I appreciate it so much, and it makes me beam with pride that she's my daughter, but I HATE that she's tiptoeing around me.  I don't want to be the kind of mom my kids have to tiptoe around.

Knut somehow feels that my moodiness must be due to some sort of dietary imbalance and has become my food intake tsar.  I somehow regret taking him to meet the midwife.  He asked her all sorts of questions since I've been telling him how great she is at helping me feel so good through diet.  So now he wants me to have molasses on everything instead of brown sugar, and is making me these spinach omelets in the morning, when I would just like a piece of toast and a large cup of coffee.  Then at night he brews me these special herbal teas instead of the black tea I prefer.  It's ok, though.  The food isn't bad, and I don't mind being babied by him.  Eventually he goes to work and I can pull out some cookies to snack on and all is well. 

Some things can be solved with a healthy diet, and other things can be solved by dunking a chocolate chip cookie into milk.  I'm so hungry all the time that I can have both.

At any rate, I feel so pumped up for this next week after my mom's night out.  I got some great tips on extending the kids' attention span, and developing better habits.  We need some better habits for sure. 

We'll get there.  My kids are exhausting, but still surprising me by how much they're learning and growing in maturity each day.  It would be easier if Elias didn't recently decide he hated going to the bathroom again after a few months of no accidents.  That's been miserable.  I blame my lack of good habits, which is #1 on the list right now. 

God has put on my heart this evening, as I write this: "When I am weak, He is strong."  Upon reflection, I see how true this is in our life right now.  I may be failing, but my God certainly is not.

31 Weeks with Clarity

 Here I am...reaching 31 weeks.  For those with a rusty memory, my kids were born at this point in each pregnancy: 40 weeks, 37 weeks, 36 weeks, and 39 weeks.  The boys were the 2 early ones.  They apparently thought it was a race.

Although I certainly do not want another baby born preterm, I realized that if this were Elias, I'd only be 5 weeks from giving birth.  That would be a bummer this time around because my midwife is only allowed to attend my birth if I make it to 37 weeks since she handles low-risk patients.  Plus, with Elias who was born at 36 weeks, even though he handles colds much better now than he did, he still handles any sickness much worse than any of the other kids.  So at least 6 more weeks is the goal, and that's still really soon!!

I'm thinking 38 weeks for this baby would round out those previous numbers well.  I totally wouldn't be surprised if I went overdue this time.  I seem to be due some over-due-ness.  I'm really not wanting to have this baby on Christmas, though.  Everyone says she looks like she's dropped, but she hasn't.  I haven't had a full breath in about 2 weeks, so if you see me winded, that's why.  Her little head has been up still, but I think last night she turned head down finally.  Whether or not she'll stay head down is a different speculation altogether.  She's been in somersault mode.

I thought we had settled on a girl's name.  I really did.  I started calling her by that name, until one day Knut heard me refer to her by that name.  Apparently he thought we were settled on a name as well, although a different name.  (I had resigned to his favorite, and he had resigned to my favorite, and when we both realized that the other person was willing to go with our own favorite name, we have taken up our original favorites with greater fervor, and further away from deciding a name to begin with.)

This is also a sneaky post, showing a sneak peek at my new Clarity Cardigan pattern that is now finished, written, and with my tech editor.  It's not a maternity sweater, though, so it's not laying properly on me.  Hopefully I'll get it on someone without a baby bump this week for a photo shoot.  I asked a senior in high school at our church to model it for me this week, as she's just about my size, although a foot taller or so.  While she said yes, I'm finding that getting an appointment with a senior is pretty tricky scheduling!  They are very busy people!  I'm hoping to have everything finalized for it by the end of next week.

These are not the final pictures, but they're a peek.  I'm loving wearing this thing.  I should probably be disciplined and keep it nice and pretty for some events coming up like the party at my local yarn store.  It's going to be hard, though.

5th Time Around

I'm slowly feeling better.  I'm not totally better, but I'm improving.  I have to be encouraged by that.

I have to chuckle a bit at how different this pregnancy is.  Actually, it's no different at all from my body's perspective.  I've been pregnant before.  I know the drill.  It's everybody else that is a bit different.  Well, not everybody of course.  Probably a minority.  Random people.  When it's your first time, everyone ooohs and aahs.  You hear 7 times a day the question "How are you feeling?"  It gets quite annoying, because no one really wants to know the nitty gritty of how it's going.  It's not very pleasant.

People don't know what to talk about with the 5th baby.  If you complain about how sick you are, some people give you a look as if to say: "And you're surprised?  It's not like you didn't see this coming!"

The big deal with the 5th baby, is everyone wants to know what your family plans are at this point.  People want to know if you plan to have 20.  People want to know if you're done.  People encourage you to be done.

It might be the weird sense of humor I have that I don't give concrete answers to question "So...how many are you going to have?"  I mean, if I'm going to be honest, my answer is "I don't know."  The problem with that answer is it just leads to more questions.  "So does that mean 'however many the Lord gives you?'"  "What's your take on birth control?"  "You do know if you don't use birth control you could end up with 20...right?  So you plan to have 20?"

I do believe in birth control at this time, although I don't like hormonal birth control...morally.  "I don't know" usually refers to the fact that I'm undecided.  Well, some days I feel very, very done, and other days I wonder.  In fact, I'm so undecided I'm not even seeking an answer.  I figure God, Knut and I will figure it out as we go.  Right now I know I'm having another baby, so it's not important that I know what comes after this.  That information right now is enough to keep me plenty busy.

This laid back attitude bothers some people, and I think that's funny.  So I normally leave it at "I don't know" and let them wonder...just for fun.

The 5th time around I'm very opinionated.  I know what I want and what I like.  I've taken certain opinions about how to manage my pregnancy, and how I prefer to give birth.  For a change, I'm seeing a midwife this time instead of my OB.  I still love my OB and plan to keep him as my doctor.  I love his way of seeing medicine, how laid back he is and the way he talks to me like I have 4 kids, and not like I'm 4 years old.  Unfortunately, I give birth on weekends he's never working, and I just get annoyed with people I don't know and haven't sat down and talked with making decisions for me without me.

Actually, it's really not a reaction against anybody.  It's more of a discovery of a midwife's model of care, and it lines of perfectly with my personal philosophy.  Prenatal appointments are about an hour long with midwives and you cover so many more things than vitals and charts.  You discuss nutrition, herbs, exercise in depth and they actually have time to talk about your family and emotions.  Midwives do things differently than doctors, and I like their way of thinking.

So I'm going with a midwife this time.  I just met with her this last week and I just love her.  She's been attending births for about 30 years and is so knowledgeable about natural birth she astounds me.  She'll let me do my thing, and I believe will respect my pigheaded wishes...as long as everyone is safe. Already she taught me that the Tums I take for heartburn...although very safe may be stopping some of the iron absorption in my body, and suggests I take chewable papaya enzymes instead.  Since iron has always been a big deal for me, I find that info very helpful.  We're off to a good start.

I still have the same fears, the same nausea, the same loss of appetite, the same excitement.  So much is the same.  However, I move forward with more confidence, I know when my freaking out is a phase, or if it means something.  I know how I want to be helped for the birth, and what it will feel like.  I already have a maternity wardrobe, but can afford 2-3 new pieces from ebay to spruce it up.  I know the sickness is almost done, and I will soon tear this house apart in a cleaning tangent.  I cannot wait for that, because it's really bad right now.  There are still unknowns, but there are less of them.

I like this 5th time around.  It's been good.

1st Trimester

If I had to pick 1 trimester to skip over it would be the 1st.  It's so hard.  I've been so beyond tired.  I wonder if it was really this bad with all of them, and I look back and realize: yes, yes it was.  The fatigue is unlike anything I can describe.  I don't even think extreme jet-lag would reach this far.  The nausea is constant.  Sun up to sun down.  I'm short of breath without any visible reason. This pregnancy has hit me very hard.  There's a reason you don't see my face in yesterday's picture.  My poor family has been living off of corn dogs and frozen pizza, and the weekly homemade meal from Silje.  Cooking has been very, very difficult this time around.  I'm starting to get through it.  I've started refining foods I am able to look at and smell, so it is getting better. 

We choose not to announce our pregnancy right away, but we've also realized there are some cases where we tell people early.  We found with our first pregnancy that it was very faux pas in our family circle to announce a pregnancy during the 1st trimester.  Sometimes we wait, sometimes we don't.  There's been various contributing factors.  Knut has begun "letting me" tell one or two people early so that I have someone to complain to besides him.  ;)  I normally pick someone way outside our circle so that they're not tempted to tell people.  This time we announced it at 9 weeks.  For those wondering, my due date is December 22nd.

As this is my 5th full 1st trimester, I have to say that while I cannot control so many things I've learned a few tricks to staying on top of it.

-Make time for naps.  When I don't sleep, the nausea is worse.  When I don't take the random nap throughout the morning, I can't stomach lunch. The more sleep I get, the better handle I can have on my stomach...for the most part.  It's important to remember that in the 1st trimester, your body is starting to produce a lot more blood so that it can be shared.  This also makes me feel like I am always short of breath.  Although the baby is not taking a lot of calories from me at this point, my body is working hard to make a great placenta, which is the organ the body creates just for each pregnancy that serves as the life support system for the baby.  Rest well, and let that placenta get good and strong.

-Always eat.  Normally when the nausea gets bad, I used to not eat for fear of throwing up.  I've tried to reprogram myself to see that nausea feeling as actually the "hunger pangs" of pregnancy.  It means I need to eat something.  If I can avoid feeling hungry, and avoid feeling full, then it's easier to stay on top of the nausea. 

Pick Snacks Strategically.  I try to pick snacks that are easy and full of protein.  Crackers are traditionally good, but I can't handle a lot of salt when pregnant.  For some reason it dehydrates me twice as fast as usual.  I really do well with unsalted nuts.  They keep me full enough to take away the hunger-induced-nausea, and for a decent amount of time.  I also follow the BRAT diet on bad days.  Bananas, Rice, Applesauce, and Toast.  Of course...not all at the same time.  However, these foods always settle my stomach in the 1st trimester, and renew a bit of the lost energy.  I was told about the BRAT diet by a pediatrician when one of my kids was sick with the stomach flu, and have found that it works for morning sickness too.

-Splurge on the good vitamins.  This is something new I'm trying with this pregnancy and so far I'm blown away by the difference.  In every previous pregnancy I've been anemic.  Every doctor I've ever had has prescribed an iron supplement for me on top of a prenatal vitamin that has a lot of iron as well.  My low iron levels have shown up in the form of testing, constant fatigue, and has caused excess bleeding after birth.  My iron levels barely budge with supplements.  One nurse told me during my 4th pregnancy that it should be taken with orange juice, and I should avoid milk around the time I take it.  Well, that would have been helpful information 3 pregnancies ago...

Anyway, I've learned that if I want my body to absorb any vitamins, it has to be through food.  I have to increase my iron in my diet, as no supplement has really helped with that significantly, although I will admit the orange juice did help a bit.  The supplements didn't raise my iron significantly, but having "Cream of Wheat" every morning raised it up super fast.  So based off of that history, when I was at the natural food store the other day and saw a prenatal vitamin that was all food based, I took notice.  I wondered if the difference of food based compared to "the mystery way" of the the pharmaceutical tasting vitamins would make a difference.  It was 3xs as expensive as the vitamins at Target, but I thought I'd give them a try, as it still boiled down to about $11/month, which I think is still reasonable.

It wasn't just me who noticed the immediate difference.  Knut noticed the next day after I switched out vitamins that my energy levels were better.  I take the pill at night, and the next day my fatigue is still there, but not so bad.  Before the vitamins, I was hugging the couch every morning until noon, when I decided I didn't feel any better but I'd have to suck it up and get stuff done.  We'll call that 10% of normal energy level, which is pretty normal 1st trimester for me.  After the vitamins, I'm functioning at, I would guess, 80% energy level.  I'm not my normal self, but I can actually get some stuff done. 

I'm still trying to maintain a healthy diet full, but I feel like I've got a bit of a safety ring around me with these.  For those wondering, this is the vitamin I got: Rainbow Light Prenatal One Multivitamin, and I see from linking it up to Amazon, that while I spent $33/ 90 day supply at the health food store I went to, they're only $23 /120 day supply on Amazon.  So there you go.  It's the first Prenatal vitamin I've ever taken that makes my stomach feel better, not worse.  Probably because it also contains ginger juice and probiotics.

Go to bed early and take a warm bath.  You normally don't need to argue with a woman in her 1st trimester to go to bed early.  I'm used to going to bed around 11pm or midnight.  I'm a night owl.  Except now I go to sleep sometime between 9-10pm if I can.  Sometimes my body is so tired, but I can't fall asleep that early and will lay awake for 1-2 hours.  So during the 1st trimester I often take a warm bath before bed.  I know HOT baths are not good for pregnancies, but there's nothing against VERY WARM baths.  Also, I don't stay in the bath long...just enough to settle down the brain and calm my fidgety limbs.

One friend told me she couldn't stand a second pregnancy because 9 months of cold showers was just too much to take.  I was trying to figure out why on earth she was taking cold showers, and it was because her doctor said to not take showers that were too hot or go into hot tubs and she didn't want to take any chances.  I couldn't bring myself to tell her that I had a warm bath often in my pregnancies as a way to manage nausea, and normal aches and pains.  I take a bath before I take Tylenol.  It's my pregnancy cure-all.

I suppose I do a lot of "risky" things like that.  I heard during my 3rd pregnancy that pregnant woman aren't supposed to have soft-serve ice cream, and yet I was at Dairy Queen weekly in previous pregnancies.  I'm more of a "everything in moderation" sort of pregnant lady.  I also like to think that a weekly trip to Dairy Queen in 2nd and 3rd trimesters is moderate. (I can't stand soft serve earlier than that.)

Reconcile with Suffering: Notice that all of the things I've learned have helped me manage nausea and fatigue, but don't eliminate them.  It's probably impossible to do, but I think mentally I had to reconcile to that as well.  I've learned that when my head is spinning, I can still control my thoughts and say a little prayer for my baby.  I've learned that the goal of the pregnancy, or life for that matter, is not to try to obsess about ridding yourself of all suffering but to ask God to draw you near during the suffering.  Some things can be eliminated easily, and it's good to do that.  Sometimes God doesn't let you eliminate them, and that's okay too.  Let me tell you, it can be an amazing spiritual journey.  I can hear God's voice in my heart so much more clearly when I can manage nothing besides prayer.  Prayer time feels so much more productive. When I'm forced to lay on the couch, and even sitting up makes me run for the bathroom, I lay there and start talking.  I love that part of the pregnancy, and I know I lack the discipline to pray that way and that often should I not be sick at all.