Not Ready

I have always sorted out my thoughts through words, and this blog has been a wonderful tool in my life.  I have a set of unpublished rules, though, that I write by so that I don’t share “too much” so publicly, especially in regards to my kids.  So lately I’ve been mulling over a specific issue in my life, and knew that when I found the right words to say about it that fit my privacy rules, I would write about it.  Until then, I would stay silent about it.  It’s been hard.  I think I’m ready.

What it boils down to, is that my kids are growing up way too fast, and I’m having a tough time dealing with it.  More specifically, Silje is growing up way too fast.  That doesn’t sound like such a huge statement, when I say it that way.

Don’t get me wrong, I’m so proud of the young lady she is becoming.  I’m bursting with pride.  Sure, she and I clash from time to time, but I think that may be part of the process.  That's a part of relationships.  She has always been an old soul.  She has always loved talking with adults about adult things.  She has always been quite smart.  

One of the many reasons we decided to homeschool her were that academically a classroom setting wasn’t challenging her, and she started developing what I would call lazy habits.  I knew that being smart only gets you so far.  You need to know how to work hard too.  To me, that’s at least as important, if not more important than natural “brains.”

Our state requires homeschoolers to take a standardized test every year (our choice as to which test) and this year we spent the extra money to get some more specific evaluation done.  As usual, the examiner told us what we already knew.  Silje is way ahead of her peers.  She made suggestions to get Silje in speech, and as I looked at her test results, and the curriculum that we were finishing up for the year, I realized that the majority of Silje’s school work this upcoming year would be around 7th grade level.  Other kids her age will be starting 5th grade.

We knew when we started this homeschooling journey that we may end up here.  We knew there was a strong chance Silje would start college classes early.  As we’re nearing it, just a few years away, I’m feeling so robbed.  I don’t want her done early.  I want her to stay little.  As I start to buy her deodorant, and facial cleanser, and she starts borrowing my shoes, and we're experiencing those huge mood swings, I feel like I just stepped off of our leisurely childhood and onto this expressway towards adulthood and it’s freaking me out.

For awhile, she started getting this sense of entitlement that was creeping up as she was hitting the preteen years.  She kept telling us we needed to buy her this.  We needed to drive her there.  We needed to sign her up for this.  All her friends were doing x, y, or z.  The demands that we feed her whims were getting on my nerves, so I talked to one of my friends with college aged girls about the problem.  (I may have talked about this before.)   How to I communicate to Silje her value, while letting her know the world doesn’t exist to serve her?  The friend I was talking with suggested we start getting Silje into volunteer work.  The best cure for entitlement is serving others.

So it took awhile to set up, but she spends a few hours a week at a local nursing home.  I only required her to be there for an hour a week.  She started begging me to leave her longer because there was so much work to be done.  She reads the people there books.  She delivers newspapers.  She holds their hands.  She sets up their bowling pins.  She reads Bingo numbers.  She just asked me if this summer if we could squeeze in 2 afternoons a week instead of one.  I still haven’t figured out how to make that work.  I went to an event there with her, and as we left the building, we passed several residents who Silje stopped to talk to on the way out, and they made a point to tell me what an incredible young lady she is.  She is.  

I know I still have 2 in diapers, and not even half my kids are school aged yet.  It’s just I’m seeing this end in sight with Silje now.  It’s like it snuck up on me.  I only have a small handful of years with her left.  Sure, she’s only turning 10 next month, but her high school learning will probably be done quickly as she just plows through her work.  I’ll have nothing left to teach her in 4-6 years, depending on how she paces herself.  Those numbers are way too small for my comfort.  We're over halfway done.  When did that happen?

Right now she’s trying to make a fairy couch outside, by stitching together some wool felt scraps and stuffing the cushions with Missy’s fur.  She’s still so much a little girl.  I have to remind myself of that all the time too.  I want to protect her childhood.  I don’t want to rush her to adulthood.  It feels so out of my hands, though.  I just keep leading her to the next level, and I wish I would stop.  I know pushing her to adulthood would be wrong, but forcing her to stay a child when she is capable of great things would be wrong too.  So I’m waiting, and watching, and taking one day at a time.

There is so much I want to teach her.  I want to tell her she can be anything.  I want to prepare her for everything.  I want to tell her that if she decides to be a stay at home mom, she wouldn’t be wasting her talent or her brains, and that kids are absolutely worth it.  I want to tell her that if she never even wants to be married that’s fine too.  I don't know her future, but I want her to know I'll have her back whatever it may be.  I want her to cling to God, and I want her to see those people no one else notices.  I want her to dream big.  I’m honestly scared sometimes that her dreaming big will take her far away from me.  Yet it’s what I want for her.  

Silje is my right arm in this house.  She acts so grown up all the time that I have to remind us both often that she’s still a kid.  She is so capable to do so many chores.  She’s a deep thinker.  She’s read through whole sections of the library.  

These days I’m staying up late working on her next year's goals and plans, and as I prepare to prepare her for higher education.  I’m not sure I’m ready for this.  I’m not sure that matters anyway, because God never asked me if I was ready for this.  

I’m not sure any mother ever is.

Strawberries on the Horizon

Our strawberry plants are blossoming, and the weather is right for getting my beds in order.  My patch is overgrown, and in need of sorting out.  I plan on thinning them out and adding a row to the left this fall, after their crop is fully done.

In the mean time, grass is starting to overtake the bed.  We have 2 major weapons to fight the weeds this year.  One is wood chips, and the other is compost.  The wood chips were gathered on the roadside, where a local construction company was chopping down some trees and chopping them into little pieces, and offered them to anyone who wanted them.  I've been wanting to fill my strawberry bed with wood chips for a few years, but they can get pricey if you don't have easy access to them.  We got at least a pickup load full, so I plan to use a bunch in the strawberries, and a bunch for chicken coop bedding for this year.  Lots of newspaper was laid down under these wood chips as well.

After 3 mornings of work, pacing myself so that I don't awaken my injury anymore, I finally got the top, right and bottom part of this bed done, and a few in-between rows.  The left side and left middle still needs some work, and hopefully I'll get that done this morning.  The last time I organized this bed it only had 3 rows.  That's how much the strawberries have spread in the last 2 years.

Obviously, de-grassing the raspberry bushes are next on the list.

The compost, which I'm currently working on putting around the bases of my tomato plants, is coming from our compost pile that we have been feeding the last 3 years or so.  This is where we dump all the chicken bedding (wood chips filled with chicken poop) as well as all of our kitchen scraps.  This has been decomposing altogether for the last 3 years, and we've been wondering for awhile if it was fine to use yet.  Knut's manure book suggested waiting 6 months to a year to use it, so we figured since we've waited 3 years on this pile it should be fine to use.

Miracle-Gro has nothing on this stuff.  Seriously, it's dark black and so full of nutrients that whatever plant I have been using it with looks healthier by the next day.  I've been putting it on my potted plants and it looks like flowers on steroids.  My plan is to bring wheelbarrow-fulls out to all of the vegetables, and use in-between the rows, as well as the bases of the plants.  Not only will this smother all of the weeds, but it will filter through nutrients that the plants need.

I'm taking my gifting (killing houseplants) and taking that knowledge and applying it to the weeds.  My mother always told me that weeds aren't bad.  They're just plants growing in the wrong spot.  I love grass…just not in my vegetable garden.  So I'm doing everything to it that I know grass hates.  When I realized that my ability to kill plants might actually be useful in the garden, I have a whole new outlook.

I'm pulling the weeds up, or at least cutting it down to the ground.  I'm covering it with newspaper and either wood chips or compost (depending on the area, since I have more compost at my disposal than wood chips).  I'm taking away every hope of reaching the sun, basically, and letting only the plants I want to see the light.  At least, that's how this theory goes.  The hard part is actually covering it all up.  That may take me a few weeks to finish yet.  I move slowly.

As you can see, I have my work cut out for me.  Weeds are already starting to take over.  Right now I'm just focusing on the strawberries.  My goal is to get a minimum of 4 wheelbarrow full loads out to the garden each morning, of either wood chips or compost.  Lately it's been 3 loads of wood chips on the strawberries, and 1 load of compost on some other crop that is starting to get tall enough for this type of treatment without getting smothered.  So far I have a few tomato plants, and half of the peas covered.

The kids have been helping some, and playing some.  I lay Ingrid down for her morning nap, and then require the older 4 to come outside and play while I'm out there.  I'm so pleased how well morning naps have gone for Ingrid since I have started this.  Apparently it's easier to sleep when your loud older siblings are out of earshot.  That has been a huge help.  Silje doesn't like being in the garden as much, because we have the occasional bees, and she has been stung twice in the past, with a moderate reaction.  She's more than willing to play with the little girls while we are all outside, though, so that's helpful too.

It's been good for all of us.  I'm wearing a straw hat when I'm in the garden, and the kids prefer to play in the shade.  I'm getting a bit too much sun on my shoulders, so I'm going to have to be more careful now.  Around 11am every morning, I come inside, drink a large cup of water, slather some aloe vera on my shoulders, and some hand salve on my hands forming blisters and calluses, and lavender oil on my bug bites.  I feel so alive, and high on Vitamin D.  It's just been fabulous.

Even though I feel like I'll never catch up to the weeds (and I won't) I'm excited about having so much rich compost this year, and all these free wood chips.  I feel like if I just keep at it, I might have a chance.  It's a small chance, but it gives me reason to hope.  Who knows?  Maybe I won't burn out on the garden this year.  Maybe I'll make it past August for the first time.

Yarn Along

Well, it may not look like much progress, but my goal for this week was to get back to the point I was before I had to rip back a bit.  I think I've made it there.  It's not far from the point where I need to start working on the sleeves for this pattern, as the body is nearing the underarms, and that's where they are supposed to join with the sleeves, and the circular yoke will be worked all in one piece.

I think the point where I need to start the sleeves will be a good pausing point in this project.  This isn't top of my work list, but I picked it up because the Brooklyn Tweed was calling to me, and the yarn for the project that was top priority wasn't in yet.  I just got that yarn in this last week for variation #2 for my Lady Pearl Pullover that I want to release around August. Since that's a higher priority, I think I should cast on soon.  It will be really fast, though, and a temporary break from this fingering weight color work that's isn't exactly fast.  One must avoid burn out on a project, you know.

I actually didn't get any reading done this last week, so I'm stealing my book for the picture from Silje's current read: The Penderwicks.  It's from the summer reading list I gave her that was compiled from various recommended reading lists.  When she checked it out from the library, the librarian swooned and said she remembered reading it with her parents when she was a child.  It was her favorite and she read it over and over.  That certainly perked Silje's interest, and honestly, mine as well.  I may just have to join her…at least for her second round through, because she never reads a book just once.

Linking up with Ginny's Yarn Along party.

'Tis the Season…the Sunny Season

My brother, who was the last of my weekend guests, left early this morning.  Knut felt bad because they're in the thick of planting season that he couldn't be home much when our family was here.  It's how it goes.  It made bringing him meals pretty easy.  I could just hop in the car with his supper really quick and leave the kids at home with our company.

I always feel so smart, as though I have passed some test when I ask Knut which field he's working on, and he tells me directions based off of who used to live where, and which unnamed dirt road.  I feel like after 8 years I'm finally getting the hang of that.

I spent a bunch of time yesterday adding mulch and compost to our gardens.  The strawberries, especially, needed attention as grass was starting to invade my patch like crazy.  I still have more work to do there, but the worst of it is cut down, under newspaper, and then smothered with compost or wood chips.  The strawberries are blossoming now.  I cannot even explain how ridiculously exciting that is.  I will just point out we just went through 8 months of below average temperatures.  I'm in desperate need of garden strawberries that taste like summer.

I got a little sun on my shoulders as I was out.  Not enough to hurt, but enough to feel warm.  I'll admit, as much as I know I was supposed to be horrified that I hadn't put on tons of sunscreen and got another light burn, I was just so excited to be out in the sun that long to have an impact on my skin.  Seriously, it was like coming up for air.  It's getting hot quickly, but I refuse to complain.  I'm not done soaking it in yet.  I had to bring my garden hat out and cut off jean shorts.  I'm telling you, so far this summer is spectacular.

My brother made a ton of rhubarb jam while he was here.  I'm not quite yet in jam making mode, so I rudely made him do it all himself.  I had work that needed to get done outside.  My jam season doesn't start for a few more weeks yet.  He didn't seem to mind, though, and asked Silje to help.  I think she enjoyed every second of it.  He's only been gone a few hours, and already the kids all miss him so much.  He's such a good uncle to them.  The unlimited tokens he provided them at supper at Chuck E. Cheese's (which Elias pronounced Chucky Jesus) didn't hurt their opinion of him.  Really, though, just the way he talks to them, and comes up with all these crazy plans and just does them is what I think they like the best.

Anyway, the poor, rainy weather forced the farm to move some of it's fields to soy beans that were intended for corn.  The corn is now complete (I think) and they are working on the soy beans now.  The weather is perfect right now, so they're going to be pushing really hard this week, since they are still weeks behind.  I know Knut isn't far from us at all, but we still miss him.  The lady at the grocery store yesterday was telling me that her husband works in the fertilizer business, and since he's in the farming industry, he's been working long hours too.  She said twice last week he didn't get home until 9pm.  I tried to politely hold back laughter when she said that.  What I wouldn't give for Knut to be in from the field at 9pm every night.  It was sweet of her for trying to relate.  Sometimes its the thought that counts.

I'm Blessed

- The most perfect first rhubarb crisp of the season.

- High school reunion that was so much fun I didn't want anyone to leave

- a visit from my out of state brother

-a visit from my out of state uncle

- coming down to breakfast to find coffee and worship music

- movie night with popcorn

- friends that feel at home in my house

- the most interesting conversations with my brother and uncle who are both pretty much the smartest people I know.  (While I'm writing this, the current conversation going on is about the role of natural rivers in geopolitics.)

- watching David and Elias play as many chess games as they want with their uncle

-help in my garden today (theoretically)

- overall, a successful, beautiful, busy weekend

-lots of knitting time

-corn planting finishing today.  Onto the soy beans, thank goodness.

(pardon my minimal blogging while there's still guests in my house.  I'm not even taking pictures.  Just consuming lots of coffee/tea during all of these visits.  It's lovely.)

Sunshine

Rhubarb is just so barely ready to pick.  So of course we had to get some.  My brother flew in last night for the week.  My uncle is flying in and staying with us on Friday.  All 4 of us have a high school reunion this weekend (Uncle-45th, brother-20th, Knut and I- 15th) at the same high school.  My brother has told me he is going to introduce my kids to Chucky Cheese's.  They are beyond excited about that.

With this nice weather, planting has been going at full speed.  We're not seeing much of Knut.  It will likely stay that way until Knut's birthday in the second half of June.  He's hoping to be done planting by his birthday.  His stress level about planting and the corn still in the bins are pretty high right now.  There's just so much to do, and they are so behind.

The class Knut and I were in is meeting at our favorite restaurant on Friday, and then everyone is coming over to our house with their families on Saturday.  I'm normally a "don't mind the mess, we live here" sort of hostess, but I feel the need to really clean and prepare for a party this size.  That's hard when I feel my children are conspiring to thwart my plan.  I'm settling my stress down with the fact that several of them are bringing bunches of kids, so no one will likely even be able to tell that I cleaned a few minutes into the party.

It should be a great weekend of sunshine.  Oh, we're in need of it!

Yarn Along

I've gotten a lot of knitting AND reading done this last week.  I'm working on this book that was recommended to me, and I think it will be some of Silje's required reading for this next fall.  It's really a profound book, about a boy entering middle school.  He had been homeschooled all of his life because he had such a severe face deformity that his parents were worried about bullying.  He got to the point academically where his parents decided to put him in a private school, and his view of that transition is documented in this book.

We are never told exactly what is wrong with his face, and no picture is ever given.  He tells the readers to imagine the worst, and then know it's even worse than that.  Really, he sees himself as a very ordinary boy, but as he points out, he is the only one who has that view.  This book is heartbreaking, profound, simple, and one that I believe will leave a lasting impact.

I'm working on my "Cozy Morning Sweater" pattern that has been on my brain for a few months now. It's already had one hiccup, but I'm back on track now.  I'm anxious to see how this one turns out.  Right now I'm just cruising along from the bottom up.  This is in Brooklyn Tweed Loft, in "foothills" and "bird book."  I had to force myself to try some new colors because the first 2 colors I tried with Brooklyn Tweed were so beautiful that I didn't even want to leave them.  These greens are so lovely, though, that I think I'll survive.  :)

Of course the most difficult portion of the pattern is yet ahead.  That's when we'll really see how good my math is.  Fingers are crossed.

Linking up with Ginny's Yarn Along.

Old Things, New Things

It never ceases to amazing me how the farming culture never throws anything away...ever.  You would think that would turn them into hoarders, but they rarely buy anything, so it all works out.  So when Knut was going to work on seeding our new pasture just in front of our house (we're taking back a portion of our farmland and turning it into pasture for some grass fed meat for our family), he needed to use a smaller machine than the big ol'  tractor the farm uses for planting corn and soy beans.  So he brought out of the farm's machinery shed his grandpa's old Ford tractor.  He had to bring his dad into the picture (a skilled mechanic) to get the thing running well enough to seed our little spot of land.  His dad has also been gracious enough to plant a bunch of pasture grass seed in a portion of land surrounding his house.  Our grass will be used to graze our animals, and his grass will be bailed up for wintertime use.

The problem right now is that the cost of buying a calf has nearly tripled in the last 3 years.  So while this project that has been in the works for a few years is finally starting to get traction, we sorta had to choose between buying all the grass seed or buying a calf.  (Well, Knut has his ears open for maybe the runt of some twins born, maybe needing to be gotten rid of on a big farm.)  Since a pasture without a calf seemed easier than a calf without pasture, we decided to do at least that this year, and pray for a good harvest.  Maybe I can talk Knut into a few dairy goats.  They're cheaper.

The hens shown above are ones that follow me around quite often.  The fluffy one is the top of our coops pecking order.  She's always curious as to what I'm doing, and is as bold as can be.  The hen following her around is our poor "Princess."  That's the name I give to whichever bird is at the bottom of the pecking order...to build her self-esteem.  I need to get some apple cider vinegar on that neck of hers.  The other hens see her has weak, and peck her neck whenever given the chance.  In the past, we've found that apple cider vinegar hastens the neck healing, and gives the other hens a beak-ful of yuck when they try to peck her.  I've just had the worst time catching her to do it.  She's a quick one.  I think Knut and I will have to corner her in the coop one of these evenings.

We are also experiencing our first broody hen, who is not shown.  She's been renamed "puffball" because she flares out all her feathers if any of us go near her.  She hasn't pecked any of us yet, but we have to remove her from the eggs every day.  She is very skilled in holding at least one egg strongly with her legs, so that when I lift her off the nest to get the eggs, I have to look under her because she's always keeping at least one away from me with her feet.

This week we moved our chicks outdoors, so the closed in brooder is free.  Today I'll be moving Puffball into the brooder for a timeout for the week.  We've never had to do that before.  She has motherhood on the brain and needs some time without eggs to sit on so she can settle down.  I'm actually not upset that we have a broody hen, because now I know that if the kids want to hatch eggs, we'll have a good mother on hand to take care of them.  Not that I plan on getting a rooster.  I haven't met a single rooster I've liked...ever.  So this is just all dream talking.

(Oh, and that's asparagus finally coming up in the first pictures.  It's about time!!)

I'm Blessed

I'm counting my blessings here this Monday morning.  It's a good way to start out this week.

I'm thankful for new growth everywhere.  I like to see each year which will win the race to bloom first: the tulips or the daffodils.  The tulips normally win.  This year a little daffodil raced up and popped open, though several tulips were on its heels...if flowers had heels.  Tulips and daffodils make me unbelievably happy, though daffodils especially.  I have so many happy memories involving daffodils.

This last week I got a sitter and spent an afternoon in town to work on a knitting pattern editing.  Getting a sitter had been about 3 weeks in the planning.  It wasn't until just before I left home that I checked when the library would close, and found out they were closing just when I would be getting to town.  So I decided to go to my favorite coffee shop.  Everything was yummy there, but it was too noisy, so I took my bread pudding and mocha and left.

I ended up driving to a park, so that I could work quietly next to a lake that is in town.  I got some work done in my van, as the sun hit it.  It was so hot in there, and let me tell you, after the winter we just had, I was soaking in the heat like a reptile.  I was quickly distracted by the birds all around, though.  I looked out and saw that the island in the middle of the lake was overtaken by bird's nests.  I couldn't help but go for a little walk around this lake and take some pictures.

It was such a sweet time, just listening to nature, and seeing water out on the lake...in liquid form.  It was soul filling.  It wasn't productive in the pattern writing area, but it was soul filling just the same.

Sunday morning was my last day teaching Sunday School for this school year.  At breakfast yesterday morning, I was thinking how grateful I was that I didn't have to prepare any Sunday School lessons for a few months, and sleep in (theoretically) Sunday mornings.  That feeling lasted right up until I said goodbye to the kids at church.  About 5 minutes after they left my classroom, I missed them already.  I missed our conversations.  I've been so blessed to teach them.  They're such a great group of kids.

Potting Studio

Silje and David got to go to a small pottery class.  A local potter was persuaded to let 12 kids from our homeschool group into his studio and show them some basics.  He was such a great teacher and the kids had so much fun.  All the kids were laughing hard at his jokes and coming up with all sorts of variations to the projects presented.  A nurse friend of mine was generous enough to watch the little kids (on her day off!) at home during their nap time so that I could go to the class with the big kids and see all they were learning.

Next week they get to glaze their projects.  Silje wants to turn our barn into a potting studio.  That's not happening, but there may be some more clay brought into our summer plans.  The kids have certainly been bitten by the pottery bug.

After the class, all the kids ran across the yard to the red barn, and tried to get the horses around the corner to come over so they could pet them.  The horses weren't interested, but Silje was excited to see some horses anyway.

I wasn't surprised in the least that Silje took to it right away.  Art is certainly a huge part of her life.  David normally resists art projects, but he dove right in and loved it.  This certainly wasn't basic drawing or cutting.  This was 3 dimensional, and very tactile.  I've never seen him get so excited about crafting something together except, of course, when he plays with Legos.  :)